Grief is often silent. But in Humber’s North residence it has taken the form of handwritten notes, blue ribbons and quiet acts of remembrance that continue months after a saddening loss.
Three months ago, a floor in residence lost a member of their community. A loss that could have easily isolated individuals, brought them closer.
Unlike apartment living, school residences bring students together in a tight-knit way, often even resembling a family.
That’s exactly how first-year University of Guelph-Humber student Erin Hurnacki describes it.
“You’re living together, we did everything together. If you were sad, you had a bad day, if you couldn’t talk to your family or call them, you’d come knock on one of our doors. And that was always it,” she said, adding: “I think that our floor really clicked in a way different from other floors.”
So, when Hurnacki’s floormate and close friend suddenly passed it hit hard.
“People didn’t really know how to react. It just felt like a shock,” she says.
But grief doesn’t only strike those who were close with her.
Andrea Kwan, a Toronto psychotherapist and registered social worker, specializing in grief and loss for over 12 years, says that grief can affect anyone no matter how close they were to the person who died, especially in community settings like residence.
“If someone wasn’t really close friends with the person, their grief will be different. But that doesn’t mean that the person who isn’t as close doesn’t have a right to feel a collective sense of loss, a loss of innocence or of just feeling safe in the world because something like this happened,” says Kwan.
Akacia Clarke, a third-year Guelph-Humber student, was just one of the many people who experienced this.
“She lived like a few doors down from me so I would see her every day,” says Clarke, explaining: “you used to see somebody every day, now they’re just never there.”
The day she died it didn’t matter who knew her or not, as the weight of her passing was overtly present on the floor.
“That day when we came back to our floor … we were all so exhausted … [we were] all just walking around crying,” Clarke said.
By the time the sun went down, some residents had gone home to their families. But for those on exchange or living far from home, staying on campus was the only option.
That’s when Duyanh Vu, an exchange student on another floor, stepped in, opening his room for her floormates needing some time away.
“Most people [in the friend group] slept together that night, in the same room, just so that people weren’t alone,” said Hurnacki. In the following months, residents continue to support each other and allow each other the space to grieve.
While Kwan acknowledges that there is no one way to grieve and everyone’s process will look different, she highlights communal grieving as a beneficial process in practice.
“Generally, all human beings thrive when we feel like we’re part of a community; that people understand us and that we belong,” she says.
“Grieving together and collectively and having collective acknowledgement about a loss is really important for a community and for individuals as well,” Kwan adds.
This sense of communal understanding took different forms, ultimately turning strangers to friends.
Clarke says that she struggled to share with friends off the floor, feeling as if they couldn’t fully understand.
“It wasn’t until I actually decided to talk to Erin that I kind of felt like someone was actually understanding what I was feeling,” said Clarke.
Hurnacki says that this has created a sense of openness, with others feeling more comfortable to talk or participate in communal grieving.
“If you want to talk about it, or like just sitting by the floor by her door, people will come sit with you and it’s not really weird,” she said, continuing on: “last night I was laying by her floor and one guy like two doors down across from her came out like 30 seconds after he walked in his room and he gave us little chocolate cakes.”
Kwan emphasizes that grief is deeply personal, with everyone finding their own way to process and express it.
“Some people grieve by building something … and doing something with their grief,” Kwan says.
And that’s exactly what Hurnacki and fellow first-year student, Ella Lednicky, did.
The two created a memorial project where people could leave notes on the door of the student who passed as a way for themselves and others to express their grief, while also honouring their friend.
“It just kind of felt like something that had to be done,” Hurnacki said.
Stacks of different coloured sticky notes and a set of markers sit on the ledge outside of their friend’s door, where anyone is welcome to leave notes addressed to her, reminisce on times shared or just leave a simple goodbye.
Over time, the bulletin board filled with messages from friends or general members of the residence community. People also began leaving other items such as flowers, origami butterflies and crochet hearts.
“We had a bunch of new students on our floor that kind of walked into this and obviously didn’t know her, but they’ve been very supportive with everybody,” said Clarke.
One of those students is Adrian Pacera, an international exchange student who only moved onto the floor in January.
Despite never meeting, Pacera left a note in his native Slovakian.
“I just wanted her to know that she’s remembered; people miss her, and I told her to look after them,” Pacera explains.
“I think it’s just a beautiful thing that people leave their thoughts, their emotions there and the place in front of her door really has energy to it,” he adds.
Kwan says memorials play an important role in processing and expressing grief.
“When we take the time to stop what we’re doing and to gather, it signals that this person was important enough to us that we stop what we’re doing and take an intentional time to remember her and to talk about her and honor her.”
Hurnacki and Lednicky helped organize another initiative where people display light-blue ribbons on their doors; a small, but strong, piece of symbolism.
The initiative serves as a subtle way for people to memorialize a loved one.
An Instagram page (@humber_gh.mentalhealth) was started by Clarke in January to promote mental health, where she shares quotes, reminders and affirmations as well as an open place to talk.
“I feel like there’s so many things that people are like ‘well, you can talk to these people in residence’ but sometimes people don’t want to talk to someone. They just want something out there, and they don’t want anyone to know who they are. They just need to vent somewhere,” says Clarke.
While recognizing the benefit of communal grieving, Kwan encourages people to find ways to process on their own, including connecting with professional supports.
“It’s important to know that there are resources out there and that there are people out there who really want to hear your experience, who want to support you and that there are places to bring your grief,” she says.
Free counselling is available to students at the Student Wellness and Accessibility Centre (SWAC), located on the second floor of the Learning Resource Commons (LRC). Additionally, free drop-in counselling is available in residence on weekends.
